Funny how 1 person can impact your life so significantly...

I've been thinking about Abuela a lot lately; April 7th will be the 10 month anniversary of her death. I can't help but think of how amazing of a person she was. How incredibly loving, genuine, happy, and joyous. She was always a pleasure to be around. I suppose all of the other grandkids know of her smile, how she used to chase us around the house, even at 80 years old, her laughter, the songs she would sing in spanish: something along the lines of a chikitikilinda, and how she always would point to her cheek asking for a kiss. But by being the oldest of 7 grand-kids, I have noticed that she was so much more than a smiling face and a hug; she was caring; she was adventurous; she was self-less; she was carefree, but always cared about everyone else. She was truly the perfect Abuela anyone could ever ask for.

When I think of her life and of how she lived it, I cannot help but realize the trials and tribulations I am currently dealing with seem meaningless; they should not be making me stressed or worried. I have a great life. I have an amazing life. I have a boyfriend, Tony, who I know loves me with his whole heart. To you baby, I want to tell you that I truly love you...I am still crazy about you. I love cheering you up when you're down; making you laugh; doing all the things we do together: I wouldn't want to enjoy those moments with anyone else. I also appreciate all that you do for me and all that you put up with that is me: even if I don't always say it, thank you. You are my best friend Tony. You are my rock. I know we can withstand anything. I love you baby! I have a best friend, Carmen, who I swear is the most amazing person in the world! Pumpkin cake, seriously, I don't know what I would do without you. You calm me down when I'm freaking out about well, everything, and you make me realize the positive side of things. You let me vent and you give me advice and you are just there for me and that means the world. I have an amazing mother, who is truly selfless. She is so caring and loving-very much like Abuela-and always makes sure that everyone else is satisfied before herself. I have a ridiculously funny father, who can also at times be completely serious. Dad you truly light up my life; I love coming home, sitting around the dinner table and just being, like the old days. I love the corny jokes you tell; your many, many impersonations; your laugh-especially when watching Archer; I truly enjoy spending time with you and although I don't say it enough, I love you dad. I am so grateful for how you and mom raised me. Thank you. I have my brother Alex, who is certainly the entertainment for the family. I've never laughed so hard around anyone else. You truly have something special to offer the world and if you think you haven't found it yet, you will. You make many people's lives brighter and certainly are creating your own path in life. I love how adventurous you are; how you enjoy trying all sorts of new things! I love how you take any situation and make people laugh. I don't say this enough, but I love you! I love spending time with you and Kyle--can't wait to get that boat house! And then there is my little brother, Kyle, who is so intelligent, it still amazes me. You have so much going for you buddy! I know you are going to go far in life (Alex and I need you to, so you can buy this boat house ;)). I love hearing about all the stories and everything you are encountering in high school. It brings me back. I love that you are passionate about things and that you are your own person. I love ya bud! I have an amazing Abuelo, who could talk for days on end. This is what I love the most about him. No matter how many times I have heard the story, he tells it with such passion and intensity, I feel like it's the first time I am hearing it. I know you are sad with Abuela gone, but she is still watching you! She lived for that. I appreciate all of your love and of how generous you are! You would give anything to make the people you love happy. Te amo!

The list of people whom I could write about is endless: I believe that every person you encounter in your life is put there for a reason. I'm sure there's a quote or something about this somewhere, but I'll put it into my own words. Whether that person is meant to help you grow in yourself by helping you realize who you don't want to be or whether that person is put into your life in order to push you along and help you make that everwinding path that each of us calls life. I can honestly say, that I appreciate everyone that I have encountered in my lifetime. Each one of you, over the course of my 20 years, has made an impact on my life, regardless of how big or small, you have made an impact and I thank you for that.

The problems I'm encountering now seem worthless. They seem unnecessary because I have other things that I should be enjoying. I have a life to live; yes, live is filled with struggles and worry, which help to make you stronger, but I am trying to make a conscious effort of looking on the bright side. I know that I can be a debbie-downer occasionally and I appreciate those in my life who make me aware of this. I don't want to be that person. I love being happy and smiley and fun and carefree. I am continuing to try and live my life this way. It's funny how one person can impact your life so much. Abuela, I miss you every single day. Hope you're watching over me up there! I know you're enjoying a good Cuban Cigar right now :) I love you!

Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength, mastering yourself is true power (Lao-Tzu)

wondering....

I have many feelings pent up inside it seems like lately...I think this blogging thing will help release them. I should be writing a paper that is due at midnight but I just want to write instead (about things actually pertaining to my life). I am confused and stressed and I am just having a hard time letting my life go on it's course. I want to know what happens. I want to see myself in 5 years to see where I'll be. But I know that is where God comes in. I just need to trust him and let him guide me.
I want to see who will be a part of my life: I know every person comes into your life for a reason, but will the ones I care about most now stay there?
I don't know what I want. I feel agitated and not myself and I am not really sure what to do about it. Therefore, I've decided that I should pray more. Deciding is one thing, actually acting upon it is another.
I need to be straightforward and honest with people and not hold my feelings in (because that always gets me in trouble-since I end up exploding). I want to be totally carefree, loving, fun, and totally happy again. And sadly, I haven't felt that for quite awhile. I have my occasional wonderful days, but then there are some days where I question everything. Absolutely everything, and every action. Why do I do this? I need a break-thank goodness spring break is coming soon. I hope that will help me. But then again, I thought winter break would help me and it didn't do much good. I am still questioning everything. Am I supposed to be in this position right now? Should I move on with my life? Is this what I truly want? This is where my trust should come in. A trust that has been shattered into a million tiny pieces. I want that trust back so desperately, but very little has been done for me to get that trust back. I suppose I am just unsure as to what I should do. Pray for me.